just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
