i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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