You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
