dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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