fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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