DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
