no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
