3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
