gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
