I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
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Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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