i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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