I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
