The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
