Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
