I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
