Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
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i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
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you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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