i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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