According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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