sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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