Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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