i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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