im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
