im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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