My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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