I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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