he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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