Tell her she can't have a vagina
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
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You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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