mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
