Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
