My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize