i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
