So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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