I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
