24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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