I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
