I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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