Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
