All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
