sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
