omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
