worst night to have a conscience
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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