Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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