Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
