got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
