Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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