I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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