OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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