I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
