You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
