I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
