so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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