I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
