so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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