Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
