Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
