Someone shattered a urinal.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
